Saturday, March 27, 2010

Blaaah

One of the hardest things to deal with, no matter what chronic illness you have, is the effect it has on you emotionally. There are a lot of feelings of inferiority, especially if/when your body isn't working properly at all.

Yesterday at work, I kept dropping everything. The size and weight of the objects didn't matter. I dropped a stapler, keys, paperwork - you name it, it ended up on the floor. And obviously, the busier it got, the worse it got. Only one person at work knows about my RA, and he wasn't around. Even then, it's not like he knows details.

All I could think of last night was being self-conscious. I don't want to drop everything and then have people treat me like I'm incapable of doing anything. Unfortunately, that's always something in the back of my head. It doesn't matter who I'm around either - co-workers, friends, professors, family, my boyfriend - I'm always worried about what I'm doing, what I can do, what I can't do, and what I'm forcing myself not to do.

I think another part of it is that I don't like to inconvenience people. I won't tell you when I've been depressed for a week, what set it off, or if you/your actions played a part. I won't tell you that I can't do something because of how painful it is - even I'll only stop once I realize that it's not happening, no matter what I try... or when I get too frustrated with myself or the situation.

I'll try to drop subtle hints about things that are wrong, because I don't feel comfortable to say it bluntly. The only problem is that most people tend to not get subtle hints, or I try so hard to make them that people just get annoyed and ignore me/think I'm acting stupid.

I think people in general need to be more patient, more attentive, and more willing to talk about things, whether they think it's important or not.

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