Monday, March 15, 2010

Who would you be?

I missed the memo about the latest Patients For A Moment series. The topic is something really important to me though - who would you be? Who would I be without RA? What could I do?

When I was younger, it used to seem like a grand notion that brought with it almost superhero powers. To imagine that I could run around and not get terribly fatigued was wonderful. Later on, to imagine that I could live without taking so much medicine or feeling nauseous when I have to was a heavenly thought. I used to imagine that I could go anywhere and do anything. Escaping to that world in my mind was the only way that I felt free.

Maybe I should backtrack. In my last post, I talked about how I never really had the ability to live without the aches and pains associated with RA. I was four or five when I got sick. We didn't know what I had. For a while, I felt like a lab rat. The people close to me were worried that I was dying. I wasn't really being able to comprehend what was going on, but I knew that I hurt all over, slept too much, was really tired, and that my momma was crying a lot. I was diagnosed with leukemia and told I had weeks to live and needed to start on chemotherapy right away. Finally my mom - not the doctors - figured out what I really had.

I have scattered memories of my life before RA. Sometimes I wish that I would've had more time before the disease to enjoy more things. In the end, I'm glad that I don't really remember being "normal" because I can't miss it that much.

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I'm kinda just going to free write for a few here. Enjoy.

When I was at my rheumy appointment the other day, I had to get a lot of blood drawn so that they could run tests. I almost instantly regretted my choice to make that appointment, because I realized that I forced myself to feel like a lab rat again. Obviously, I needed to go and have these tests run. And then I realized that there really was no need to feel like a lab rat.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that this disease doesn't hold me back as much as I do myself... though I don't really hold myself back from a lot of things. If anything, I push myself too far. I try to ignore my limits and it usually backfires - definitely something I need to work on.

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