Saturday, June 19, 2010

UGH

I am so frustrated with so many things right now that I really feel like ranting to someone, and no one willing to listen is around right now, so you get stuck with it.

My family is pretty dysfunctional and it's really difficult to live with them, especially after basically living on my own for the last two years. I'm not going to really go into it, but it's hard to co-exist with people who either think you're the coolest thing ever, or hate you (for whatever reason). I can't seem to say anything right to anyone, so I just keep my mouth shut. What's the point, right?

It's hard getting up so early in the morning to work. I work 7-3 tomorrow in Madison, which means I have to leave my house by 6am at the latest... Making it so I have to wake up by like 5am. It's a job where I'm doing stuff that I really enjoy, and once I'm done with training I'll have downtime for homework. But it also requires that I'm on my feet eight hours a day with really no breaks. I'm so exhausted right now. I was thinking about working a second job, but with how early I may have to get up and how late I may have to stay - and already having problems with the one job and being on my feet - I really don't think it's a good idea now. Not like it would've been that much money anyways - 10-15 hours a week at $8 an hour. I'll have a second job in the fall on-campus anyhow.

I still don't know whether or not I'm getting the fellowship I applied for in FEBRUARY because the department is waiting on verification from the US Department of Education before they're letting us know whether or not we're getting money. This is something that I really need. I really don't want to use pure loans for my master's. It's so much money, and I'm going to have to pay all that back, along with undergraduate loans... Maybe school was a bad idea... though it does delay my undergrad loans.

I'm apartment hunting for the fall (August really) and not finding the right place. I've never lived in a real apartment before, so looking at all this stuff is making my head spin. I have to save up for the security deposit, rent, utilities (depending)... and on top of that, books and such for the fall. I'll have a roommate, so that will be good, but she's out of town right now... So that doesn't help much.

And, on top of everything else, I feel so sick to my stomach. It's like there's nothing I can do to get any relief. I feel so hungry, but it's not hunger. My arthritis, Arthur, is a bastard, plain and simple. I'm not getting as many zaps throughout my body, and my shoulders aren't as bad as they were about a month ago, but my knees, hips, and feet hurt so bad. It's so difficult to not let my pain influence how I treat, interact, and reach out to people. The only person that I seem to not usually have that problem with is my boyfriend, and I don't understand why. Maybe it's because of the way that he acts and how he handles both me and the arthritis. Maybe it's just because I'm a silly girl. Who knows.

All I know is that this feels like it could be my theme song right now (again). Everything will work out though, right? Maybe?

2 comments:

  1. I know how you feel about being on the verge. Things have been stacking up with me as well with family, finances, etc. and dealing with lupus makes it all a little bit worse. Hang in there.

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  2. Thanks hun :)

    I hope you're feeling better.

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