Go check out the latest edition of Patients for a Moment at the Queen of Optimism’s site, featuring yours truly!
Month: July 2010
Blech
So now I’m feeling a little bit better, but still iffy.
The boyfriend let me nap at his place before heading home yesterday, which really helped. I slept for about an hour after almost getting into an accident because I was so dizzy. We went to the store and he bought me some ginger root pills, which are not only supposed to help with motion sickness but with arthritis too. It seems to be helping, so I’m excited about that.
I also decided to start taking my vitamins again. Hopefully, I’ll stick to it this time.
I don’t normally like to talk about this, but in the past I’ve had problems with what I’m sure is anorexia. I used to run a lot (10-20 miles a day), eating nothing but some crackers with peanut butter. My latest dizzy spell business, I feel, only helps to highlight that I still struggle with that today.
I will admit, I have not been eating a lot. It just took me three hours to eat a 5-inch sub sammich. I’m at work, so that is part of it, but I’m also just not hungry. The arthritis really does a number on my digestive system, and often things are swollen to a point that I just am not hungry.
I will also admit that, subconsciously, I’ve been fine with going hungry because I am losing weight… even though I tell others to refrain from that same practice because of how dangerous and ineffective it is. I’m happy with things in my life, but I’m not as able to exercise as others because of the RA too.
Stupid RA.
Like, Seriously?
My RA keeps getting worse and worse. It improved for a bit a few days ago, but I can’t tell if that was good or bad, since it’s now terrible again… in a different way than before – not necessarily a worse way, but definitely not good. And, I fully expect it to be a little worse, because I’m almost at that time of the month (too much information?) and RA tends to get worse for most people then.
I’m sick to my stomach, and I keep getting dizzy. I have no appetite and, as much as I try to make myself eat, I get full so quickly. I’m drinking water more than anything else, and keeping as hydrated as possible.
My legs are hurting differently than normal – more of an ache and stabbing pain, than a numb and throbby pain. I’m getting more cramps too. The achy feeling is starting to affect more places on my body now too.
And my freaking kidney was hurting the other night. It felt like I was being shived (think prisoners being stabbed with sharpened toothbrushes) hard core. I guess it wasn’t that bad, except that I was driving. Oh, and it’s totally happening right now. Awesome.
Also, the zappy pain is back. It’s not making things easy at all. I feel like a million needles keep poking me randomly, and I don’t know what to do. That’s one of the signs of MS, which my great grandma had. It’s hard enough dealing with just the RA, and envisioning what my future will look like then… To think that I could possibly go through the same things as her… I just don’t know if I could take wasting away like that…
I’m really trying hard to not let everything that’s going on affect other things in my life, but I can’t control it. I can’t control that I can’t sleep a lot lately either, which is just making things that much worse. I’m usually pretty good about being optimistic, but right now that’s just a little hard to do.
I can’t help but thinking that the people in my life are going to have to help me do things in the not-too-distant future. This isn’t about dignity – I really could care less about that (to a point, I suppose). But I’m stubborn, which is going to be difficult… And I feel like everyone will start to resent me. I know I shouldn’t worry about things I can’t control/try to predict the future, but I’ve seen it happen so many times in the other people I read about/talk to with chronic diseases.
UGH.
I either need a really good nap, a bunch of Reese’s peanut butter cups, or (another) really good, really long cry.
Update on Richelle Golden
Source: Salem News
The Veterans Administration (VA) is relaxing the rules for veterans who use
medical marijuana in states where it is legal. Experts and activists are calling
the decision an historic event; it will certainly change the position of many
vets currently receiving care, who until now have been restricted under VA
rules, to dangerous morphine based drugs for treatment; pills that are both
highly additive, and deadly.…
Richelle Golden was ordered to Madigan Army Medical Center where she
arrived in a wheelchair and was promptly treated as a criminal drug user for
using medicine. The support from high ranking officers in the Oregon National
Guard has brought her no favor. She has been charged and denied medical
marijuana. It was the only thing helping her control nausea at the time, and she
became so sick afterward that she almost died.This new decision is undoubtedly good news in her case, one where it seems
likely that someone on the Army was out to teach a soldier a lesson, and show a
side of humanity that many believe has no place in the service and in the
treatment of those who volunteered to serve their country at a time of
war.
Storms
So I knew last night that it was at least going to rain, which it managed to do while I was sleeping. But it’s been non-stop storming in my area for the past seven hours or so.
Nice Things
Arthur and Body Image
I wanted to talk a little bit more about being in the Dells last week. We basically spent all day in the water – between a few slides, the lazy River of Troy, the two wave pools, and our jacuzzi tub.
Zoltar!
So the boyfriend and I took a fun little trip out to the Wisconsin Dells for his birthday this week. We went up on Thursday and stayed the night at Mt Olympus. It was nice to hang out in the water for a while. We also had a jacuzzi in our room, and that was so nice.
I don’t know how many people have seen the movie Big, but they had a Zoltar machine inside Mt Olympus. In the movie, the kid makes a wish to be bigger as he gets his fortune read by this machine. Zoltar apparently works some crazy magic, and the kid wakes up the next day in a grown-up body.
Well, I totally went for the Zoltar machine. It says that I will see better days soon, which is comforting since I’ve been flaring for a pretty good while now… and it also says that I’ll lose my money problems if I’m nice and sincere to others. I gotta be honest, even though Big is a movie, I kinda hoped that, if I made some drastic, life-altering wish, it might come true. But instead, I woke up this morning to pain in my left ankle and knee.
Damn you Zoltar, for not working your magic on me.
Fatigue
I was trying to figure out what the worst part of the arthritis seems to be. It’s difficult to decide – I mean, there are so many factors to decide between, right?
Obviously, the joint pain/freeze has got to be the worst right? For example, I stayed over at the boyfriend’s last night. As I was getting up this morning to get ready from work, I nearly fell down because my knees and hips were not willing to cooperate at all. Not being able to do something that everyone takes for granted definitely sucks.
But the fatigue is pretty crappy too. I almost feel like I could deal with the pain if I wasn’t so tired all the time. The biggest thing I did yesterday, aside from putting things away in the boyfriend’s apartment, was laundry… Oh, and we went to a baseball game – A nice, sit-down-and-watch-people kind of thing. Why was I so tired? It’s ridiculous.
But then I was thinking that the emotional debilitation was probably the worst. I mean, the fatigue makes that worse for sure, but that makes the pain worse, which makes the fatigue worse, right? I feel upset about the things I’m going through, or like I’m not good enough for anything – that never makes things better.
So what’s the worst part about RA? It doesn’t seem like one single thing can be pinpointed. It’s too bad – maybe if something could be, that would help find a cure more quickly.
Persevering in the Face of Arthur
One of the most frustrating things about RA is having to deal with the sometimes-disability – sometimes I feel more like a normal person, and others I feel like a 120-year old lady. Although, this can also be a blessing, because that means that I can do more sometimes.
- Sat in planes for like 5 hours on two separate days
- Hiked a little over a mile into the forest over rocks to find a waterfall
- Hiked up a butte
- Toured a lighthouse, then hiked down from the lighthouse to the beach (in flip flops, nonetheless)
- More hiking to waterfalls and Crater Lake
- Walking around in the Oregon desert (yes, it does exist)
- Climbed around in a lava field, hiked a lava butte, and toured a lava river cave
Oh, and did I mention we stayed one week with my uncle and his FIVE girls, age 8 and under?