Sunday, July 25, 2010

Like, Seriously?

My RA keeps getting worse and worse. It improved for a bit a few days ago, but I can't tell if that was good or bad, since it's now terrible again... in a different way than before - not necessarily a worse way, but definitely not good. And, I fully expect it to be a little worse, because I'm almost at that time of the month (too much information?) and RA tends to get worse for most people then.

I'm sick to my stomach, and I keep getting dizzy. I have no appetite and, as much as I try to make myself eat, I get full so quickly. I'm drinking water more than anything else, and keeping as hydrated as possible.

My legs are hurting differently than normal - more of an ache and stabbing pain, than a numb and throbby pain. I'm getting more cramps too. The achy feeling is starting to affect more places on my body now too.

And my freaking kidney was hurting the other night. It felt like I was being shived (think prisoners being stabbed with sharpened toothbrushes) hard core. I guess it wasn't that bad, except that I was driving. Oh, and it's totally happening right now. Awesome.

Also, the zappy pain is back. It's not making things easy at all. I feel like a million needles keep poking me randomly, and I don't know what to do. That's one of the signs of MS, which my great grandma had. It's hard enough dealing with just the RA, and envisioning what my future will look like then... To think that I could possibly go through the same things as her... I just don't know if I could take wasting away like that...

I'm really trying hard to not let everything that's going on affect other things in my life, but I can't control it. I can't control that I can't sleep a lot lately either, which is just making things that much worse. I'm usually pretty good about being optimistic, but right now that's just a little hard to do.

I can't help but thinking that the people in my life are going to have to help me do things in the not-too-distant future. This isn't about dignity - I really could care less about that (to a point, I suppose). But I'm stubborn, which is going to be difficult... And I feel like everyone will start to resent me. I know I shouldn't worry about things I can't control/try to predict the future, but I've seen it happen so many times in the other people I read about/talk to with chronic diseases.

UGH.

I either need a really good nap, a bunch of Reese's peanut butter cups, or (another) really good, really long cry.

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