Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Too, too fast

I can't get this vision of me this time next year, in a wheelchair and not being able to do anything that I like to do, out of my head. It's like all my worries about my health and my biggest fears are being mixed in a nickelodeon spinning around in my head. And it won't slow down, it won't stop.

I think all the plaquenil is doing right now is making me sick to my stomach. And the next step is either to play with dosages or pair it with methotrexate. And I really hope it doesn't come to that. That's the one thing I've told myself I will not take. The small possibility that I might get pregnant while on that is too much to risk to me to feel better.

I guess this is just kind of a ranting post. I'm scared and there's really nothing that's going to comfort me. I wish my rheumy appt was sooner. I wish I felt better. I wish that I could shake this feeling that things are going to get worse soon, that I'm going to get sicker as soon as my moving plans in summer happen, that people are going to resent having to help me more, that I'm going to become a burden.

I think I'm just tired and ready for some relief, sleep, wine, a massage, or a nice crying session... which I seem to want to do at work today. And kind of have. *sigh*

I just wish I was normal, more than just about anything right now.

6 comments:

  1. First of all, breathe!
    I think we all have these panics, but once you have had a bit of a sleep/time to think, you can start to look at the situation logically.
    As scary as methotrexate sounds, it might sort you right out. And wouldn't that be wonderful?
    Thing is you can try it for 3 months and if you really hate it and if it's not helping you can stop it. And maybe you can go on the pill as well as using condoms, then the possibility of you falling pregnant would be next to none.
    Have you tried sulfasalazine? That's another DMARD option.
    Then there are the anti-tnfs and god knows what else. A wheelchair next year is, I think, a very remote possibility for you and for most with RA these days.
    Please don't despair, I know sometimes it looks hopeless but tomorrow is another day and things will seem a bit brighter!

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  2. Thanks :) I feel a little better today than yesterday with all of this.

    One of the harder things for me is that I'm allergic to an interesting bunch of things, which automatically eliminate sulfasalazine for me unfortunately, along with some other things.

    The metho just scares me for a number of reasons. I'm already on the pill and everything. I just feel like I'm one of those types of people who generally gets in a good amount trouble when possible, so me getting pregnant while on that would just fit. It would be nice if it sorted me out and everything, but who knows. Hopefully I can get this danged plaquenil to work better.

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  3. Plaquenil is doing bugger all for me too. I'm on 400mg per day and diclofenac. I feel fine most of the time though, my arthritis is pretty mild just now, just in my right hand and right foot. But my doc and I are considering a wee bit of methotrexate. I want it GONE. I tried sulfasalazine but my white blood count went right down so I can't take it. I don't know, I'm more scared of the disease than the drugs cos I can always stop the drugs.
    Please try not to worry. I've kinda accepted that I need to do what I need to do. There's no point stressing. It sucks but we are strong and we can overcome this.

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  4. I now what you mean. Sometimes the reality of having a chronic illness can be overwhelming. The uncertainty can really get to you. I hope now, though, things are looking a little brighter!

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  5. I just want u to keep your head up. I have fibromyalgia and i hurt all the time. Specially during the winter months. I just started reading your blog and it seemed so familiar to me. My doctors told me that i was gonna be in a wheelchair by the time i was 30. I hope not. But neway i just wanted to give you a lift and tell you to keep positive, youll find a way to manage all this

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  6. Thanks guys :)

    Sometimes this all gets to be just a little too much reality for us I think. I for one am ready for working medicine!

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