Monday, April 30, 2012

Help Me, I'm Melting!

It is fucking humid as all get out today. Seriously. This is so fucking lame.

I'm really sorry for the language, but seriously? Seriously you guys. The weather is supposed to be like this ALL FUCKING WEEK. Shoot me now.

The inside of my bones and joints are on fire... No, that's not accurate. It doesn't capture the ferocity of the pain.

The insides of my joints are turning to molten hot fucking lava. LAVA. I have lava inside of me. It moves so quickly, it's like I can't do jack to calm it. Adding heat makes it worse, but adding cold does too - because then some of the lava feels like it's hardening and that's super uncomfortable.

Because of this, my joints feel so shaky and weak. My wrists and hands are really going at it today. I should totally go to work for the money and the hours, but I really am thinking it's a no-go.

I don't want to downplay the pains associated with 'traditional' arthritis, osteoarthritis - because I know that it is very painful. But this is not anything compared to the kinds of pain that your grandma dealt with. I'm sorry, it just can't be. The lava feeling is right on, but I just... I can't explain to you how super painful this is right now.

On top of lava, everything aches. Muscles feel like I built a house over the weekend all by myself. I get chills and sweats. This fucking rash on my knees just won't leave. I almost threw up my meds this morning, because my body was all "oh no you don't, you best eat some food." Then when I ate food, it was still so fucking mad.

This is how it's always felt for me when I start going downhill. Sometimes I think about how this is how I've felt for 18 years. I imagine another little kid going through this and I lose it. No one should go through it. I never thought about how painful this was for me for my whole life. I never think about that I was 5 and going through this. But I was. I was so little.

I'm not trying to complain, but I want to show how this really feels. So many people don't know and could never understand. I'm so grateful for them, but for the rest of us we need some better vocabulary or something.

Fuck this shiiiiittttttt.

6 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you are having such a bad time just now, I hope the weather improves and you get a break! Sending you gentle hugs!

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    1. Thanks lovely! I think it's a stay-home-from-work-and-rest day for sure. I am pretty sure I have a date with Lego Harry Potter.

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  2. Aw, KirBie, I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. I absolutely do understand, too. I've had RA for about 25 years now, but it's only been recently that I've had the "burning" sort of pain. That's not to say that the other forms of pain I've felt over the years weren't nasty, too, but this does compel attention. I have a feeling that my "burning" isn't so bad compared to yours, either.

    Do you live in an area where summer humidity is common? Just wondering... (shudder). I hope the forecasters are wrong about the humidity lasting all week and that you'll so have a break from it AND the pain. I wish you calm, patience, and quiet joy in spite of your present circumstances. And of course, a long, gentle hug.

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    1. Thanks Wren. I live in Southwestern Wisconsin, which usually isn't too humid. However, we're going from a weeks of temps in the 40s and 50s to a week with projected temps of 70s and 80s. The pressure and humidity change is just crazy.

      This burning pain is relatively new for me in a way too. I've always dealt with it, but it's never been quite as invasive as it has in the past three years. I hate to say it, but the activity in my disease has definitely picked up a ton in that period of time. I start Enbrel soon though, so I think things will get better!

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  3. You summed up my Rheumatoid Arthritis issues with heat and humidity! I feel like lava inside too when it is hot and humid. The cold gives me shrinking joints ability. I hope you get to feeling better soon!

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    1. Thanks dear! It's such an odd feeling to try to explain to those who haven't lived it I think. We are part of an elite club that I wish none of us knew about.

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