Thursday, April 18, 2013

Day 18: I take it back... #HAWMC

Today's prompt is to write about a time that either you lashed out at someone because of issues related to your health condition or a time someone else lashed out at you for the same reasons.

This was kind of a tough post for me to write to be honest. I have some anger issues due to both Arthur and a lot of miscellaneous other things in my past. Also among other things I'm part Irish and part Italian so I'm sure that doesn't help. My anger issues are usually directed inward, not outward though. When I try to think of specific cases, I just think of times that I get sad, like when I was mostly couch bound for a day and started worrying about how in the world I was going to have a wedding when this keeps happening. It's really hard to avoid the depression aspect of this disease, something I've been fighting from a very young age. I don't think the majority of young kids think of suicide, but I've had those thoughts since I was about 8 or 9.

The people in my life try to be understanding but I know that there are a lot of them who, at times, don't understand and get frustrated with me having to cancel plans. It doesn't help that I don't like to outwardly admit how sick I am, something it seems we all have an issue with.

I did have to cancel going to a pretty big step in someone's life and everyone was not very pleased with me as I bailed at the very last minute when I had already gotten there and just realized there was no way. My fibro & Still's were both acting up, so it hurt to be wearing clothes and sitting and whether I moved or stayed still. Leaving the event, I cried the whole time between being in pain and not being able to be there. My thoughts were to just push through it, but there was just no way. The physical pain was absolutely terrible, but the emotional pain from having to leave was even worse.

In talking to a third party, it came out that people thought I was having a panic attack or just did not want to attend. There seem to always be people, no matter how close to you, that don't believe your pain is real at times. It was very upsetting for me. I have moved past it and not brought it up to the people involved, because I'm not vindictive enough to do that. Instead, I've forgiven the people involved because it is hard to communicate your pain while you are experiencing it especially when you're hitting 9 and 10 on the pain-o-meter.

I've tried to be more communicative as of late when I have to cancel plans which helps. And the people involve understand fibro better now and so when I have to cancel things they're more understanding and I explain more what's up. I do have a few people in my life who know that when I say I'm not feeling good it means Arthur is being a dick. It really is wonderful to have people like them in my life - even though I know they don't understand what I'm going through they just know that it is really bad when I have to cancel plans with them. I really don't know where I would be without those kinds of people in my life.

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