Monday, March 23, 2015

Maddened Monday: Unikitty, Lego, and Anger

Have you seen The Lego Movie? Because you really really should for many reasons.

My favorite character in the whole movie is Unikitty. She's a unicorn kitty.

She's also like literally me as a Lego. If you have time for a video, check out one here with her best moments, some of which are in gif form below.


She's generally very happy, but has a wee bit of an anger problem. That also, in the end, turns out to be a great thing because she's able to save her friends thanks to going on a rampage.


Another nice thing is that I've also learned that some anger can be healthy and even protect us from events or people: 
Put another way, anger is to be respected and heard. It shows us where our boundaries are, and when they have been crossed. It acts as a guide, letting us know when we’ve taken a wrong turn in life, or need to try a different path. Anger is a compass, pointing us in the next right direction.
All that said, I try to not be angry. It bothers me to have more negative emotions like that because they often take a toll on my physical well-being too. A large part of that is because I hold things back instead of expressing emotions because it isn't always polite or proper - or because I'm worried what I will do with that anger if I try to express it. Physically, I generally end up hurting myself if I work out angry because I ignore my body's warning signs and don't stop when I should.

I think I'm also very fearful of turning into any of the adults I grew up with because they all were far too expressive of their anger, physically and verbally. I don't want to turn into that, so I hold everything inside. Because I don't express my feelings readily, I end up in denial about a lot of things. I've always felt that the denial balances out the potential to turn evil. I try to tell myself that anyway.


All of this is a huge part of why I meditate. I really honestly need to meditate more than I do right now, because I'm falling behind. Thich Nhat Hanh has a great quote about mindfulness and anger here:
Mindfulness does not fight anger or despair. Mindfulness is there in order to recognize. To be mindful of something is to recognize that something is there in the present moment. Mindfulness is the capacity of being aware of what is going on in the present moment. “Breathing in, I know that anger has manifested in me; breathing out, I smile towards my anger.” This is not an act of suppression or of fighting. It is an act of recognizing. Once we recognize our anger, we embrace it with a lot of awareness, a lot of tenderness.
He goes on to say that we should approach these negative emotions like an older sibling would an angry younger sibling. You let that little one experience those emotions without trying to downplay or stifle them, then you help him or her to rebuild.

All of this is honestly a huge part of my fight for self-care and self-love. If I loved enough and thought highly enough of myself to practice more compassion towards myself, I could be able to process my feelings more easily - especially the negative ones like anger.

I'm getting there, but hey I'm a work in progress.


So why am I talking about all this?

I had a moment last night where I learned and remembered more information on the things my mother has done to abuse others, from neglecting to get them care to flat out hurting them and not understanding when she's not received as warmly afterwards.

It was really bad. I was shaking with anger, but then got creepy-calm angry. I'm not sure which was worse, but both bothered me immensely. I was too sleepy to think too irrationally thank goodness, because my awake self would've wanted to go to my mother and chew her out. There are things as a parent that you don't share with your children or expose them to or withhold from them. What I learned last night violated all three of those things and more.


I had literally the same reaction as Unikitty does here. I'm obviously still upset about it this morning.

I refuse to break my no contact with my mother. I know it'll do no good, and that it'll just stir up more depression and anxiety on my part. My therapist and the amazing friends I have in my life all agree. I feel upset that there will never be justice though. My mother will never have to pay for the abuse she doled out, nor will her mother or grandfather. None of them will get a trial or face a night in jail. They'll never face charges for the sexual abuse that they learned about and did nothing to help with, save in some cases removing the abuser (oh hey, fyi, carrying on an intimate relationship with the abuser after that nullifies the removal).


Meanwhile, my sister and I are left with the remnants of lives, trying to pick up the pieces and figure out how to be real people. It's always been her and me against the world. I'm grateful that we have some amazing friends who are now a part of our real family now, giving us help, guidance, and validation when needed. I'm even more thankful that we have great partners in our lives to help both of us work through all of this.

There are people who obviously aren't happy about this situation - about how open I'm being with the things I endured growing up. There are people who think these things are best reserved for closed door conversations if they're talked about at all - you know, family secrets. I believe in being open with this situation just as I have with my disease, because I know that it will help someone. If I can make it so that someone doesn't feel as alone and as tortured about their family life as I have, then it'll be worth it. 



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