Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Ruminations on being parentless for two years

Today is my independence day.

It's the celebration of starting to heal my mind, body, and soul.

It started with saying goodbye to my mother.

Growing up in an abusive home was hard. There aren't words to share enough of it all.

Thanks, Giphy!
I did meet my dad before the wedding. We're all busy and don't talk anywhere near as much as we should.

I am still left feeling very much like an orphan. It's not been easy to handle. I have had moments of weakness where I want my mother around... and then I remember it's the idealized version of a mother in a movie or on a show and not my mother.

Thanks, Giphy!
Note: not Kyle's mom.

Cutting contact with my mother helped me learn a lot about who I am as a person. I had to go through what I did and didn't like all over again. 

The Dave Matthews Band? No longer a like. 
Harry Connick Jr? Still a like but no longer a love.

I've gone through this with food, media, clothing, and more.

It's exhausting. I just had finished the period of my life where I should have had that all done when I cut contact. I had to do it twice.

And it was exhausting.

Before cutting contact, I blocked mother and her beau on social media and made some accounts private for a while. Part of that certainly was struggling with my compassion.

The issue is that I was, for a long time, too compassionate to others without being compassionate to myself.

This was evident when examining what led to my flares and other issues.

Very uncool.

Now, though, I am secure in myself.

I don't need my family of origin to complete me. I simply need my family of choice, the family I've made with you reading and T's family and my sister's family and close friends.

If my mother were to try to guilt me now? I would only have one reaction:

Thanks, Giphy!






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