Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Honesty

Be honest with yourself about how you feel right now and embrace the feeling, without trying to make it go away. After a short while, reflect on what this feeling is trying to teach you, and if possible, act on what you've learned. 
Try to peel back the layers of your emotions. There may be loneliness underneath anger, or there may be a feeling of inadequacy underneath jealousy. 
Do you find it difficult to identify what you're really feeling? If so, why do you think that is? 
Do you allow yourself to fully feel your emotions, or do you usually try to make them go away as quickly as possible? If you chose the latter, why do you think you do this, and how does this negatively affect you?
It has been over a week since I left my job. I am struggling.

As I consider why I'm struggling, it has to do with a few things. The biggest is that I realize that I've been overdoing it for far too long.

Over the weekend, I had the pleasure of spending time with some of my old classmates at my alma mater with my favorite professors and discussing a religious studies book we'd picked to read together. This is the fifth time they've done this but the first time I could go due to other events, conferences, etc.

My friends and professors in the group are incredibly supportive. When I told them that I needed to create a schedule, I was thinking about needing to do so in order to get anything done. The three people I talked to instead all jumped to me needing one so that I didn't overwork myself.

I haven't seen most of these people in several years and yet they know me, they know how I am.

I have loved doing so much while I've had an opportunity to do so, but stepping back for a bit now is incredible - if only because I understand why I've been so exhausted for so long.

The other piece of this all is that I'm scared beyond measure.

Starting your own thing is tricky. This is a fairly spontaneous thing for a couple that dated for five years before an engagement to do! Sure, T is still working, but that means he has that much more pressure. We're a team and we go through this as a team, you know?

I'm scared to fail. It would be sad not to try for just that, but I know that it'll be difficult and hard work. I know that I will have to hustle a lot and do things that I'm not always good at in order to succeed.

Honestly? I'm almost more afraid to succeed.

Over the last week, I have been trying to push those feelings off because my immediate reaction is that feelings are bad - especially unhappy feelings.

I am Unikitty, after all.

I'm trying to not do this, though. I'm trying to feel my emotions so that I can process them now and not have to do a ton of therapy forever and ever. I love my therapist, but it's hard to process after the fact all the time.


I'm scared because I'm not necessarily in control. I'm scared because the last time I wasn't in control was when I lived with my abusive mother. Needless to say, that loss of control is one feeling I'm shit at dealing with.

Little K got through it, though. And she became a freaking badass.

I got this.





2 comments:

  1. You DO have this. I had to close my business last year once I became so sick that I lost the ability to walk. I haven't been able to work full-time since March 2012 but just trying to work part-time at the business I owned meant SO MUCH to me. I have felt very lost since I stopped working but it was a necessary choice. I really understand what you mean about just being exhausted and worn out from trying to push through for so long. Sometimes letting go is more important than trying to keep at something that in the long run is just making you feel crappier. It sounds like you have a great support system. I am new to your blog but I REALLY love everything you are doing with it. Thank you.

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    1. Aw thank you sweetheart! It'll be nice once I get through the next few days of school tension and spending time with family and can really focus. Hugs to you friend!

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