Thursday, January 5, 2017

Struggling


I've been fairly absent from social media and such lately and, honestly, it's because I'm struggling a lot - physically, emotionally, mentally.

Coming back from Portland was a mess - delayed flights, sleeping in the airport, etc. I became literally exhausted. It was really bad. On top of that, the longest flight (Portland to Chicago) had the heat on like 85 degrees. 

I don't do well with heat, y'all.

My body is so used to the pacific time zone that it's been an adjustment to try to get back on central time. 

Fatigue and pain keep sneaking back in and stealing away moments, hours, days.

My emotions are in a rough spot, too.

Portland was so full of nourishment and love. Wisconsin is... not. Don't get me wrong - I am loved here and feel nourished, but it is somehow lesser than when I travel. I don't have people here excited really to see me or learn from me as much. 

This is where I come to recharge, but it feels draining to me right now.

Part of it is that the abandonment feels are high lately - something that I haven't really struggled with during the holidays. Many of the people I've been physically close to in the past are all over the world and others just aren't really there for me right now. It's hard for me to communicate what I need and I know that's a big part of it.

It's messing with my head. I get stuck on thoughts and can't get them out. I have these imaginary conversations of what I would say to people if I just had the willpower to tell them - ways I need help or they've hurt me or any number of things. 

How can I be so blunt online but not in my interpersonal relationships?

Growing up in abuse fucks you up for life, friends.

Since the election, I have been doing a lot of emotional work for others - checking in on people and working on ways to add to the resistance against he-who-must-not-be-named.

We need support but also need to take care of us, so right now I'm trying to practice what I preach.

I'll be around, but I might be slower to respond to things.






1 comment:

  1. "Part of it is that the abandonment feels are high lately - something that I haven't really struggled with during the holidays. Many of the people I've been physically close to in the past are all over the world and others just aren't really there for me right now. It's hard for me to communicate what I need and I know that's a big part of it.

    It's messing with my head. I get stuck on thoughts and can't get them out. I have these imaginary conversations of what I would say to people if I just had the willpower to tell them - ways I need help or they've hurt me or any number of things. " DUDE! yes laying in bed trying to figure out how to self care myself out of this mess. trying to figure out how I got here! If i had a way of supporting myself even a little I would totally get myself to the cheese state (you are the cheese state right?) and we could support the crap out of eachother lol SO much love and hugs!

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