The SJIA community has lost so many children this year. Unless this is your first time here (in which case welcome!), you likely know that I lost a dear friend back in December of 2012 as well.
I try to be logical about it all. I don’t believe in the idea that everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe in the idea that people have expiration dates. Part of that, I’m sure, is wanting to believe that I control my life and no one else does – something that is pretty common for survivors of abuse as well as chronically ill people.
This weekend, though, T and I were listening to music and this song came on.
It’s one of the songs that I have always liked. The lyrics resonate with me at times like these, even with the religious undertones.
I know so many people who all deserve to feel better – people who are running out of medication options or who are mostly bedbound from their illnesses. What is the reason that I’m doing so much better physically?
Does everything happen for a reason after all? Is this a way that I can work towards helping others better, rerouting energy lost to my illness before to advocacy?
But then I question if I’m good enough to do that. Will I be the type of person who easily just walks away, trying to live a normal life and only coming back when remission ends?
In any case, why me? Why is there a medication that works to help me but others haven’t found theirs yet? Why do I get to feel well when there are children I know who keep going in and out of the hospital?