I can’t get this vision of me this time next year, in a wheelchair and not being able to do anything that I like to do, out of my head. It’s like all my worries about my health and my biggest fears are being mixed in a nickelodeon spinning around in my head. And it won’t slow down, it won’t stop.
I think all the plaquenil is doing right now is making me sick to my stomach. And the next step is either to play with dosages or pair it with methotrexate. And I really hope it doesn’t come to that. That’s the one thing I’ve told myself I will not take. The small possibility that I might get pregnant while on that is too much to risk to me to feel better.
I guess this is just kind of a ranting post. I’m scared and there’s really nothing that’s going to comfort me. I wish my rheumy appt was sooner. I wish I felt better. I wish that I could shake this feeling that things are going to get worse soon, that I’m going to get sicker as soon as my moving plans in summer happen, that people are going to resent having to help me more, that I’m going to become a burden.
I think I’m just tired and ready for some relief, sleep, wine, a massage, or a nice crying session… which I seem to want to do at work today. And kind of have. *sigh*
I just wish I was normal, more than just about anything right now.