Warning: rant time.
I’m writing this last Thursday, as Kelsey is getting ready to meet with Sam’s surgeons and I’m prepping for therapy.
I watched a video of the surgery Sammy will have on YouTube. Don’t do it. Ever.
I lost it at a point during the video while alone in my office. I can’t handle this. Not being there is killing me, and the longer I’m not there the worse it gets.
Kelsey needs me today. She needs me and I’m not there. I can hold things together mentally for a while, mostly when I talk to her, because I know she needs me to be the brain right now, to help think about and deal with things she might not have thought of yet – like the GoFundMe or facebook pages I set up before she was even awake the other day.
I’ve had a glass of wine every night for the last few nights. It’s the only way I’m getting any sleep, unless I want to use a muscle relaxer and then I can’t focus the next day if I have to wake up on a schedule.
When Kelsey had her seizure in 2009, I got this scared. There could’ve been a million things that caused that seizure and for a while we didn’t know if it was really bad. Thankfully, it seems like it was a random occurrence, but still. I held it together for Kelsey and lost it out of her sight (ie the bathroom because I didn’t want to leave her side).
I even tried to get her medical care for some serious issues she was going through and couldn’t because I wasn’t the parent… So unless I could house and raise my sister – and sued my mother for custody – I couldn’t get sis the right medical care. It’s bullshit.
I’ve always felt more like a parent than a sister, and I guess that’s what parents are supposed to do right? Be strong for those we love and then silently break down in the bathroom or the shower when no one’s watching?
Hell, I do that with Theron too. Maybe it’s just a me thing.
I’m upset that my mother is trying to make the situation about herself instead of about helping, about providing love and advice and a shoulder for Kelsey to lean on. I guess that’s what she’s always done though, so I really shouldn’t be surprised. It hurts that even in the hardest of times, she finds a way to do this.
Parents are supposed to help and do what’s best. That isn’t this. And I, as an older sibling, feel bad for not being the best parent right now.
Emotional incest for the win!
Side note to explore another day – I hate that I’m practically my mom’s ex. Again, emotional incest sucks.
I’m ready for therapy, for my glass of wine, and for sleep. It’s not even 1pm yet.