abuse, kirsten and the quest for a diagnosis

Why Should I Pay So Much Because I Was Abused?

TW: abuse, neglect

I had a dental cleaning today – my fourth that I can remember.

I love my dentist. The whole office gets it. They’ve done a lot of community work for people like me who have grown up with abuse, neglect, and in poverty.

Earlier this year, we got the last crown I needed on… except that, today, Brit told me we’d need to probably do another crown on another front tooth. We’ve been patching it for a long time, but it’s not sustainable.

It’s a tooth that has always sucked. Even when I had my baby teeth, this tooth was awful. Part of me knew this was coming. Like, especially after the one of the other side broke off last year and we had to do urgent crown stuff.

Since I thought we were done with the crowns, we dropped the insurance that covered crowns. Clearly, I should not have. It’s not like we can’t afford it, especially when we space out the payments and now that I’m bringing in money again.

It’s more the frustration.

I will forever be paying for being a victim. There will never be a point where I’m not playing catch-up for 14 years of medical neglect and 25 years of emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse. Comparatively, I have it easy, too.

That makes me sick to my stomach, especially combined with providers who refuse to give medications that can aid with quality of life because I’m on “enough meds already.”

Long story short, my neurology follow-up on Tuesday wasn’t great either. The PA was much better than the neuro himself which I appreciated. Still, I get shit explained to me like “you need to focus on getting better sleep” or “skipping meals can cause migraines” and, again, “there are medications that can help with those symptoms BUT…” let’s try these lifestyle things first.

I’ve spent most of the week roughly 75% numb across my body. It’s forcing me to not work – and work out – as much.

Plus, it’s a real mindfuck.

I’m tired of paying for Mother’s mistakes, providers’ lack of empathy, and for simply existing. It’s exhausting as fuck.


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