Back in 2019, my partner and I talked about how odd birthdays are after you hit 30. Growing older as a kid and young adult, each age seems to bring new milestones. Turning 15 means you could get your driver’s permit, at 16 a license, and at 21 you can drink. I was excited about my 25th since I could start renting a car when I travel. Hell, even my 26th was exciting because it meant my arthritis was turning 21 in November. Turning 32 though? That’s not really a celebratory thing.
The biggest reason I was excited about this birthday was that I was scheduled to play in a hockey tournament this weekend. I was going to be busy and tired, but having a blast and being around my people. I honestly was a little worried about having time for self-care during all of this.
There were other reasons to be concerned, too, though. This was also the first birthday I was going to have had after getting divorced, moving, and losing my guinea pigs to old age. I started testosterone in January. Plus, I’m in the middle of a job change, too, so a lot of things are different for me this year.
Needless to say, I knew my birthday this year was going to feel weird. I couldn’t have any idea that a pandemic would be added to the mix.
I miss hockey and my friends. I miss the physicality of playing sports (Who have I become?). I miss going places, picking up groceries, and even running errands or going to the doctor. I miss seeing other people, from saying hi to neighbors to hugging my friends. More than anything, though, I miss not being afraid… well, as afraid as I am now. Knowing that I am #HighRiskCovid19, there are so many precautions I have to take just to grab the mail.
Granted, I also know I’m not taking quite as many precautions as some people have to.
I know that I’m privileged and lucky to be relatively safe, despite both me and my partner having a higher risk of catching Covid-19 and dealing with morbidity or mortality from it. The weight of the pandemic hitting and hurting people close to me is very real. I’ve got several friends now who have either tested positive and recovered or are mid-recovery. I know others whose relatives are ill and doing poorly. Like with Ian and I, there are other people I know who feel they had this but either were unable to get tests or whose tests came back negative, too. It’s a scary time, especially for anyone who is disabled, transgender, poor, or a person of color since each of these communities is being hit even harder.
So, today, instead of doing some big sort of celebration, I’m going to spend time talking with the people who are most important in my life. I baked a chocolate cake and I’ll make some frosting for it later. I’ll probably make something super tasty for dinner.
Mostly, I’m going to meditate on what more I can do to be part of the solution — something I hope that we can all try to focus on during this time.