It is fucking humid as all get out today. Seriously. This is so fucking lame.
I’m really sorry for the language, but seriously? Seriously you guys. The weather is supposed to be like this ALL FUCKING WEEK. Shoot me now.
The inside of my bones and joints are on fire… No, that’s not accurate. It doesn’t capture the ferocity of the pain.
The insides of my joints are turning to molten hot fucking lava. LAVA. I have lava inside of me. It moves so quickly, it’s like I can’t do jack to calm it. Adding heat makes it worse, but adding cold does too – because then some of the lava feels like it’s hardening and that’s super uncomfortable.
Because of this, my joints feel so shaky and weak. My wrists and hands are really going at it today. I should totally go to work for the money and the hours, but I really am thinking it’s a no-go.
I don’t want to downplay the pains associated with ‘traditional’ arthritis, osteoarthritis – because I know that it is very painful. But this is not anything compared to the kinds of pain that your grandma dealt with. I’m sorry, it just can’t be. The lava feeling is right on, but I just… I can’t explain to you how super painful this is right now.
On top of lava, everything aches. Muscles feel like I built a house over the weekend all by myself. I get chills and sweats. This fucking rash on my knees just won’t leave. I almost threw up my meds this morning, because my body was all “oh no you don’t, you best eat some food.” Then when I ate food, it was still so fucking mad.
This is how it’s always felt for me when I start going downhill. Sometimes I think about how this is how I’ve felt for 18 years. I imagine another little kid going through this and I lose it. No one should go through it. I never thought about how painful this was for me for my whole life. I never think about that I was 5 and going through this. But I was. I was so little.
I’m not trying to complain, but I want to show how this really feels. So many people don’t know and could never understand. I’m so grateful for them, but for the rest of us we need some better vocabulary or something.
Fuck this shiiiiittttttt.