Back on the 15th, I left work early because my crip hands were spazzing out and I was hitting 8 and above on the pain scale. I tried to be patient first with it being the first day off pred, but nope.
Driving home sucked because my hands weren’t wanting to bend. I parked slowly and walked up the steps to our apartment while pain just kept getting worse and worse. Finally, I practically collapsed in front of the guinea pigs and pet them while I just bawled.
I kept thinking the following in an endless loop:
- Useless fucking crip hands
- I wish it was my legs – at least I can be productive without really using those!
- Why did I think I could still work?
- Why did I think I could amount to anything?
- I can’t parent these piggies well let alone a fucking child
- What the fuck was I thinking getting married and thinking about a family and starting school soon and what the fuck??
- I don’t want to die, but I just don’t want to *be* with this pain anymore
Save the first one, none of these were really my thoughts, but the last one scared me. I got up and took my NSAID and a zohydro – a precious narcotic that I only reserve for the worst pain.
I brought it up in therapy that week and my therapist was insistent that there were ways to visualize in a way to help myself feel better. This includes thinking happy thoughts like petting the piggies or watching Jaq popcorn everywhere. It helped for my mental anguish but didn’t really do anything to help with the physical pain.
I don’t know what to do about this. It was the worst day I’ve had in a long long while pain-wise. I need to start kineret like NOW. Otherwise I’m worried this will keep being the norm.