Back on the 15th, I left work early because my crip hands were spazzing out and I was hitting 8 and above on the pain scale. I tried to be patient first with it being the first day off pred, but nope.
Driving home sucked because my hands weren’t wanting to bend. I parked slowly and walked up the steps to our apartment while pain just kept getting worse and worse. Finally, I practically collapsed in front of the guinea pigs and pet them while I just bawled.
I kept thinking the following in an endless loop:
- Useless fucking crip hands
- I wish it was my legs – at least I can be productive without really using those!
- Why did I think I could still work?
- Why did I think I could amount to anything?
- I can’t parent these piggies well let alone a fucking child
- What the fuck was I thinking getting married and thinking about a family and starting school soon and what the fuck??
- I don’t want to die, but I just don’t want to *be* with this pain anymore