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Get Freaky Friday: Sexy Talk with the Belchers

Ah, Valentine’s weekend. It’s that special time where we all fund those giant corporations in order to show appreciation with chocolates and flowers once a year that we could show every day with kind words.
Courtesy of The Simpsons
Hooray capitalism!
Anyhow, let’s talk some sex for the big weekend, eh?
The boring definition is that sex is different for many people and a singular definition can’t really be pinned down.
The less boring definition is that it can be many things including the following: oral sex, anal sex, vaginal intercourse, scissoring, and manual sex/masturbation. This definition can change for each individual, especially those of us with disabilities. Some people with spinal cord injuries receive pleasure in certain non-traditionally sexual spots like their knee because that’s a spot where they may have some feeling.
One quick word? You’re probably going to learn a lot about me today.
Sorry fam.
Most people have their first sexual experience as some form of self-pleasure which can even happen in the womb.
Just don’t think about jerking it in your mom.
Let’s get some anatomy down. First, please note that this is not meant to be an exhaustive post. While I aim to be inclusive, I know that using phrases from Bob’s Burgers like ‘lady parts’ and the like could make it not feel like that. I am also writing this from a very sex-positive, feminist viewpoint.
Now that we’ve got THAT out of the way…
A lot of sexualized parts are lady parts.
Yay, patriarchy!
We have boobs which I assume everyone is familiar with.
We have butts.
And we have vaginas.
It’s actually a LOT more complicated than that.
The vagina is something we are hopefully all somewhat familiar with, but if you’re not click here for an anatomical drawing.
We’re led to believe that vaginas are where it’s at. Porn and other depictions of sex tell us that women should achieve orgasm via vaginal penetration.
Guess what?
Only less than ten percent of women normally orgasm from penetration alone. The rest of us enjoy or rely on clitoral stimulation for our orgasms. If you don’t believe me, check out most vibrators. Ones like this one are generally made to ‘attack’ the clit, not for penetration.
Penises are funky. As a wife and a momma to three boy guinea pigs, I see enough on a regular basis to know.
Also, yes, you can fracture the penis. Please be careful.
Anal sex can be enjoyable no matter your sexual orientation.
The best advice I can give is to use plenty of lube (and then even more!) and to speak up if anything isn’t comfortable.
If it doesn’t feel great, that probably means some parts are going to hurt worse than they should.
Also, towels are your friend.
Also also, maybe use some toys to get used to/try out the sensation first.
Toys can be pretty awesome.
For people with limited mobility or certain conditions (Sjogren’s for example), toys and sex furniture can be a great way to either get wet/hard or to experience an orgasm without having to experience too much in the way to discomfort.
Toys can also be a great way to experience self-pleasure, especially if you have any issues with orgasms due to medications or other reasons.
Please make sure to read directions on any toys you may get, however, as certain types of lubes aren’t compatible with certain toy materials. If you want to play it safe, water-based lubes are much more likely to be better for your body and your toys. I recommend Almost Naked from Good Clean Love.
Also pick up a cleaning solution for your toys. They can get really germy, especially certain materials, and lead to infections.
When in doubt, try to visit a sex-positive sex shop like The Tool Shed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
I promise we’ll explore more of these details as time goes on! 
Happy Valentines Day! Go get you some!

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