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| Courtesy of The Simpsons |
Sex has long been a taboo topic to really discuss in the United States. I’ve been talking about this disparity between how the United States and other countries address sex & sexuality since I was in high school… so over a decade.
Gross.
The younger generation of Americans is ready to discuss sex. We’re ready to talk masturbation and females enjoying sex – or why they may not enjoy it or have a libido. We’re ready to stop being defined as someone’s partner or ‘extensions of male fantasy‘ and start to be seen as ourselves
We’re ready to make jokes about sex that may seem too real. We need to learn about our bodies and how they react sexually instead of being forced into abstinence-only education that does nothing good for pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection rates. We’re ready to say ‘vaginal atrophy‘ aloud sans giggling at the word vagina. We’re ready to question why there are ads to fulfill those male fantasies but not to truly help women.
Speaking of interactions with others… There are a lot of ways that chronic illnesses can affect our relationships and intimacy, but fatigue is a huge sticking point. If you’re together when that illness hits, it can be quite hard to keep things together throughout the changes. This means that some of us live in a relationship without sex. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that unless each person isn’t on the same page – and that can change.
Sometimes it’s more our depression and ways of coping that affect our relationships more than our primary illnesses.
Ther are many things that can affect our relationship dynamic like the need to discuss our illnesses. How much do we share? Are we complaining to or burdening our loved ones?
Therapists are great to utilize, whether together or alone. Sometimes marriage or couple’s therapy is a great way to visit these issues in a safe place.
Also, sex toys can really help. If you’re interested in exploring some of the bestselling sex toys, check out this collection of reviews.
Don’t forget to join us for #chronicsex chats over on Twitter every Thursday from 7-9 pm Eastern Time!
I’m not generally one to post a lot of religious information, mostly because I’m really not religious. I follow a Buddhist personality, but that’s about it.
However, my husband and I found this article on the Jehovah’s Witnesses website a couple of weeks ago about when a spouse has a chronic illness. Some of the language is ableist in nature I think. Obviously, there is also a little more religion than I would personally love to see, but what can you expect?
Here are some of the main points, though, that I found pertinent to our ongoing discussion of self-love, self-care, relationships, sex, and sexuality with chronic illness:
MARRIAGE can be a challenge, but when one mate becomes chronically ill while the other remains healthy, complications can multiply. * Are you caring for an infirm mate? If so, do any of the following questions worry you: ‘How will I cope if my mate’s health declines even further? How long can I continue to take care of my mate and also do all the cooking, cleaning, and secular work? Why do I feel guilty for being the healthy one?’
On the other hand, if you are the ailing spouse, you might wonder: ‘How can I respect myself when I’m unable to carry my load of responsibility? Does my mate resent me for being sick? Is our happiness as a couple over?’
Sadly, some marriages have not survived the strain caused by a chronic illness. Yet, this does not mean that your marriage is doomed to failure.
Many couples survive and even thrive despite the presence of a chronic ailment. Consider, for example, Yoshiaki and Kazuko. A spinal injury rendered Yoshiaki unable to make even the slightest movement without assistance. Kazuko explains: “My husband needs assistance with everything. As a result of caring for him, my neck, shoulders, and arms ache, and I am an outpatient at an orthopedic hospital. I often feel that caregiving is overwhelming.” Despite the difficulties, however, Kazuko says: “Our bond as a couple has become stronger.”
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Rather than assume that you know the best way to show consideration for your spouse, why not ask him or her what would be most appreciated? Nancy, mentioned at the outset, eventually told her husband how she was affected by not knowing the family’s financial status. Now her husband endeavors to be more communicative in this regard.
TRY THIS: List ways that you feel your mate can make your present situation a little easier, and have your spouse do the same. Then switch lists. Each of you should select one or two suggestions that can realistically be implemented.
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Together you might take regular breaks from serious medical concerns. Can you still enjoy some of the things you shared before illness struck? If not, what new activities can you try? It could be something as simple as reading to each other or as challenging as learning a new language. Having a life together outside the illness will strengthen your “one flesh” bond—and increase your happiness.
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TRY THIS: List on paper the obstacles you face in taking care of your mate. Then make a list of steps you might take to overcome these or to cope with them more effectively. Instead of overanalyzing them, ask yourself, ‘What is the simplest, most obvious way to improve the situation?’
I’ll admit that their use of the word ‘mate’ is odd. I get why they chose that, though.
It’s important during our relationships that we all take care of ourselves, whether you’re monogamous, polyamorous, asexual, or a cis-gendered heterosexual white dude. Self-care and self-love are integral to how we interact with each other. These things color our relationships, how we communicate and interact with others.
I used to get really grumpy when I was hurting. I mean, I still do, but it’s different you know? I used to get incredibly combative and would brood.
Taking my emotions out on others – T, my sister, etc – did not lessen my pain. It did make me feel more like I deserved the pain, however.
It took me a while to realize how this affected my relationships. It took even longer to try to correct that.
The Spoon Theory has really helped. T and I have some code words we use as well, like Bingo Fuel. Bingo Fuel is simply the point where you’ve run out of enough fuel that you must turn back to ensure that you can get to base. T and I use this when we hike or snowshoe so that we can keep track of my energy/pain levels when we’re being active.
That still depends on me to evaluate constantly and communicate that need… which doesn’t always mean that I do this. The idea is a good one, though.
What about you? What are ways you’ve utilized to communicate illness issues better?
Are you getting married but can’t do regular wedding rings? Check out these alternatives!
Mental health issues can be crippling. If you’re in love with someone dealing with anxiety or depression, definitely read up on them. It may surprise you when you learn that your partner’s anxiety is why they work so hard or just how consuming depression can be.
Both of those can cause very real and awful physical pain too, so brush up on ways to support your loved one through that.
Making sure that you follow the six steps laid out by Arthur’s Place – communication, picking your moment, preparing your body, foreplay, positions, and confidence – can make all the difference. So can sex toys!
Mariah is one of my favorite people, hands down. She wrote this great piece back in 2014 about how to initiate a conversation with your doctor about sex. It’s a must read! She also has written great pieces about scheduling sex, how RA can affect your sex life, how to talk with your partner, and how to improve your sex life.
No matter your condition, you can have a great sex life. Rachelle Friendman lives with quadriplegia and still does! She also proves that you can still look super sexy, no matter what. After all, Oracle/Barbara Gordon from Batman has historically been sexy and disabled.
Beauty & confidence start from within, so make sure you work on your self-love & self-care.
There has been a standard in the media regarding depicting female versus male pleasure. Many movies that show females orgasming, etc, get NC-17 ratings instead of the R ratings movies showing men cum get. Perhaps, though, this is changing with Magic Mike, 50 Shades (BARF, but okay), and other films along with strong feminists who embrace their own sexuality like Nicki Minaj.
Speaking of orgasms, here are 23 facts about them that you never knew.
Idolizing virginity & purity and shaming sexually active youngsters does not do anyone any favors. In fact, those comparisons to chewed gum do tons of mental damage, especially when you consider that a large number of first sexual encounters are forced in one way or another. We should, in all honesty, begin sexual education far earlier than we do.
Come enjoy the cuddle sutra!
Oh, and by the way…
