Do you have the option to cut yourself off from your biggest energy drainer? If you do, what stops you from walking away from this project, mindset or person?
It’s not a secret that I have no relationship with my mother. It’s unfortunate that it got to this point. However, for me, it was about wasting energy that is extremely precious to me due to the fatigue and energy issues caused by my chronic illnesses.
The Spoon Theory is a great way to highlight this. I only have so many spoons (or units of energy) every day and that can change by the second.
|Yes, my bathroom is Tardis-themed|
One of the major factors in cutting my mother out of my life was that I was spending so much energy on trying to help her with her medical and mental health issues that I was neglecting other parts of my life – relationships with others, especially my sister, and my own health.
I would drive two hours to try to stage an intervention that she would act like impacted her deeply, but didn’t change anything. I’ve lost count of how many times my sister and I have tried things like this.
Spending this energy no doubt contributed to me having to drop out of school due to health issues during my first go-round of graduate school. It certainly contributed to my depression issues when she accused me of being an alcoholic for drinking a wine cooler at 5 pm on a Monday – one of a pack of thirty that it took me MONTHS to finish.
The hard thing about my mother is that she always plays the victim or the martyr. Even now, I am horrible for cutting her out of my life and for spouting my dirty damned lies. The fact that a majority of her family doesn’t interact with her or has done the same just means we’ve corrupted each other – not that anything might fundamentally be wrong with her or how she interacts with/treats others.
It took me a while to get there, but I’ve always known that in some way or another I needed separation.
It’s a weird feeling to be almost divorced from her. After all, covert incest is totally how I was raised.
But it is good. I am rid of the majority of my anxiety issues. My depression has gotten much better. Even my chronic illnesses have improved leaps and bounds without the stress of trying to help someone who not only doesn’t want the help but actively creates conflict between you and your sister so she can step in and console you both.
She needs to feel needed.
I don’t need her anymore.
My advice would be to evaluate the people around you and to really examine who might be leeching energy away from you that you need to have Quality of Life.
If you can’t alter that relationship, it’s okay to walk away. It doesn’t make you a bad person.
Your future self would thank you for it.