Self-Compassion

Posted on by Grayson

Whenever you get hard on yourself today, comfort yourself with a physical gesture and a few words of compassion, such as, “I’m having a tough time, but I deserve my own love and kindness.” According to self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, physical touch releases the feel-good hormone oxytocin – even when the touch is your own.

Today’s Tiny Buddha Challenge is an interesting one. I often find myself rubbing parts of my body like my neck/collarbones or hips when I’m not well and am in need of comfort or a pick-me-up. I had not put together, though, how this might relate to oxytocin, the chemical of love.

What do you usually do when you start getting hard on yourself? How does this keep you stuck?

Lately, I have been much better on this as I’ve been working on self-love and self-care as a part of the #ChronicSex movement. However, that doesn’t mean this is perfect or that I talk to myself like a champ all the time.
Over the weekend, I had a hard day at my swimming class. As I was in the bathroom at home after the class, I reflected on how stupid it was for me to try to take a class at the same time one day a week for two and a half months without considering my fatigue and pain levels would get in the way – or how my fibro and other issues would be exacerbated.
It was bad.
I had to take a step back… figuratively, obviously, because the toilet was in the way… and take a breath.
That negative self-talk has been ingrained in all of us for various reasons – family/childhood issues, the media, etc.
Recognizing it when it happens is the first step to stopping it because you know what’s going on.
It happened to be my sister’s birthday so, since I always bring my phone in the bathroom thanks to IBS, I texted her to tell her that I loved her bunches.
Stepping back, I know that I did this as a way of making things up to myself for having been harsh as I often utilize my sister as a way to treat myself better. I’ll think, “Is this something I would say to Kelsey?” If it’s not, then I know the situation has turned too negative.

What, if anything, do you fear might happen if you’re not hard on yourself? Is is possible that’s not true?

This is a really good question for us all to examine.
Sometimes, I know that it may seem like we won’t achieve as much without pushing our own buttons, without being horrible to egg ourselves on.
We can do so much more without that.

What type of physical gesture do you find most soothing?

A rubbing/scratching in the area between my chest and my neck. It can be erotically pleasing or just comforting.
What about you? I’d love to hear your answers for these questions!

 

Starting the EMDR process

Posted on by Grayson
Real talk?
I’m mentally frazzled right now.
A few weeks ago I started the EMDR process. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, and it’s a type of therapy especially useful for trauma victims or those with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Basically, this therapy is a way to allow your brain to process these traumatic events by dealing with the emotions but having safeguards in place and coping tools to help. Some tools used are lights to move your eyes back and forth, a headset playing a series of alternating beeps in each ear, or little vibrators that alternate in your hands.
It’s not easy. You can’t tackle the big stuff right away and even the ‘small stuff’ is a lot more intense than I realized.
This is not my favorite.
But it’s also good.
I can tell that it will help. It’s just a matter of getting there and being ready to process my childhood traumas… and as much as I want to get past them, it’s scary to think of going into them. I feel like I’m standing at a door that sits ajar, behind which there are screams. I know I need to go in there to do something but it’s scary.
It’s sad when you can compare your life to a scary movie. Maybe that’s a part of why I like Scooby Doo and scary movies though.
In Scooby Doo, you always knew the baddie was a person.
In scary movies, you know it’s something inhuman.
Both ideas are comforting in different ways. I want to believe that my mother is human, that her mental illnesses have driven (and still do) her to do some awful things. But she’s done some unspeakable things that don’t lend to being human either, so it can be easier to vilify her and turn her into a demon.
Neither option is awesome.

 

Empathy

Posted on by Grayson

Before all conversations today, think of one way that you’re similar to the person you’re speaking with to help you approach them with empathy…

What are some things you have in common with every other human being?

I’ll reflect on the latter reflection piece since I’m writing this beforehand.
All people share the same basic emotions, like sadness and fear. We may pretend like we don’t, but those feelings are certainly there.
All people share certain experiences like birth and death.
As someone who is empathic and practices loving-kindness or compassion meditation daily, these ideas are second-nature to me now. Growing up, I even knew they were true. Yet, there are times where I am (or have been) a downright snotty bitch.
Reflecting on this question brings up those times.
To the SJIA parent group that I irked with pushing mortality rates in your face, I’m sorry. Depression took hold of me for a long while there and the only way I had been taught to work through it was to hurt others.
I get very self-righteous at times and it’s really difficult.
As I continue to grow and learn, I’m finding new ways of practicing these better ideas.
Still, I find it hard. Being an empath is not an easy task. I don’t quite know how to block out certain emotions, especially strong and negative ones from other people. This has certainly played a role in me not having contact with many people like my mother.
My body, mind, and spirit become so toxic around them.
Sometimes going places I love like the women’s hockey games is difficult depending on who is around. Sensing so many feelings all at once can be really difficult.
What about you? Have you looked at compassion or empathy more?

 

Balancing Stress

Posted on by Grayson

How do you balance taking care of your health with all the other stressors of life?

Balance is something that I never really learned in my childhood. Aside from the physical balance of riding a bike, which I finally did on my honeymoon, I didn’t learn to balance other things. I was, for all intents and purposes, an emotional toy for my mother.

The biggest balancing I did was trying to keep her sane. In the end, I learned that no one person can do that for another, and we had to part ways. That separation did wonders for me, though. I have learned so much more about myself since May 4, 2014, than in the previous 26 years of my life.

It also eliminated a major stressor for me – trying to fix my family. I no longer had to expose myself to racist, ableist, discriminatory comments to try to help others. I could just help people who actually wanted and needed that help. I stopped trying to stage interventions. I stopped spending precious energy on a black hole.

For the first few months, this created slightly more stress. I had fear about Mother and her husband lashing out. We moved shortly after this without giving them our address, so I feared they would find me. I feared being cornered by all of that hatred and unpredictable anger.

After my wedding, after dancing with my husband and eating cake and feeling so much love, I knew that I was in the best place of my life. My anxiety and depression are more under control today than they’ve ever been. My PTSD has had ups and downs but is manageable.

In eliminating that major stress from my life, my health issues improved dramatically.

I have no doubt that learning how much of a badass I am, how to advocate for myself, and how to stop making health care mistakes helped. I don’t think, though, that these steps would’ve been possible without standing up for myself at the core – without eliminating so much ick from my life.

All of these things led to me finding a rheumatologist who ‘gets’ me. She’s hip on research, patient advocacy, and patient data.

And she put me on Kineret which has completely changed my life.

I have to balance my stress, stay physically active, and be right on top of my medication schedule and the like.

If I don’t, I wind up hugging a foam roller, crying, and generally feeling like death.

Therapeutic Thursday: Swimming Class

Posted on by Grayson

This month I took my first-ever swimming class.

I was so anxious before the first class on the 9th. I couldn’t sleep the night before though that’s been the norm lately too so maybe it’s unrelated.

I had panic attacks upon panic attacks in the days beforehand.

I should have learned to swim as a child. My uncle tried to teach me for a while when I was maybe eight? Life got in the way. Had I been in real school versus being “homeschooled” I would have learned; had I lived in a non-abusive home I would have learned.

The class itself went great! I did better than I thought I would. But it brought up so many emotions, so much resentment. I am so disappointed with choices that were made (or not) for me as a child.

I’ve had to teach myself medical terminology in a rapid amount of time. I’ve had to learn how to navigate insurance quickly. I’ve even had to deal with LITERALLY rebuilding parts of me that should never have deteriorated in the first place.

I tackled riding a bike on my honeymoon.

Swimming has been the last big issue, the final sticking point regarding my maltreatment in my childhood. I’ve worked on everything else, just a bit, already.

This is the final way to throw the motherly shackles off, to kill the fear monster she created, and to take back my life fully.

I could never do it without T and my sister, never.

 

Terminology Tuesday: HAIs

Posted on by Grayson

An HAI is a pretty common occurrence sadly, and they can be horrific and deadly.

Healthcare Associated Infections can occur whether we simply visit our primary care physician, have an injection, or have a major surgery. According to the Office of Disease Prevention & Health Promotion, the majority of HAIs are UTIs, surgery-related, bloodstream-related, or pneumonia. The CDC notes that C. diff is pretty damn common as well.

I’ll add that it feels like death from the inside out and has lasting effects.

At least, I finally got my first grown-up IV out of the way

These infections cost people their time, health, and even sometimes their lives. However, most of these are extremely preventable if health care workers follow workflows, execute proper sterilization and cleaning, WASH THEIR HANDS properly, and stop overprescribing antibiotics.

There are things that we can do as patients, as well, to keep ourselves safe:

Thanks, CDC!

These infections have affected people I love in so many ways, but currently, I have a close friend whose family is dealing with the repercussions of an HAI. Randy is an amazing man who wound up with a staph infection as a result of a run-of-the-mill steroid injection. He’s been in and out of the hospital and other facilities since April of 2014.

This is one of the most amazing and sweetest families I know. For this to happen to them is incredibly hard to watch. There’s a GoFundMe for those of you who can help here.

Sources:

 http://www.healthypeople.gov/2020/topics-objectives/topic/healthcare-associated-infections

 http://www.cdc.gov/hai/

 http://health.gov/hcq/prevent-hai.asp


Yoga

Posted on by Grayson

Have you ever tried yoga? What is your favourite pose?

I’ve been doing yoga and meditating since I was roughly 12-years-old. That’s the one good thing Cosmopolitan Magazine introduced me to.

Shortly after I started, I could even do shoulder stands. It’s pretty impressive, given my lack of physical activity and the presence of multiple chronic illnesses.

As of this time last year, I stopped practicing for a while. I had awful hip bursitis, and my rheumatologist and I were worried about putting all my weight on some of my joints.

Now that I’ve been through some pretty intense physical therapy, I’m slowly starting again.

For the moment, my favorite pose is probably the bridge (the second Babar down on the right). It helps to strengthen so many of my joints and muscles, something that I desperately need. Doing it with my feet on a pilates ball makes it more difficult, but AMAZING.

Have you tried yoga? If so, what is YOUR favorite pose?

Self-Care Sunday: Exercises in Self-Care

Posted on by Grayson

Self-care is not easy. We’ve talked about this before. A lot of people aren’t sure where to start or how to go about practicing self-care or self-love.

It’s not easy to figure out what to do if you don’t know where to start!

In light of that, here are some of the things that I enjoy doing for self-care. Hopefully, this list can spark ideas in you, too! I’ve added some suggestions under the general ideas.

More physical:

  • Going for a walk
  • Being out in nature
  • Taking a bath
  • Singing Broadway tunes in the shower
  • Cooking or baking
    • I LOVE decorating food
  • Dancing
  • Yoga/stretching
  • Spending time with friends
  • Help others or volunteer
  • Eat your favorite comfort food
  • Make a date night with yourself and go to dinner and the movies
  • Lotion up!
  • Love on your pets
  • Drink water
  • FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NAP
More mental:
  • Writing
  • Meditating
    • Check out the Buddhify app – it’s my fav
  • Listening to music
    • I have a Spoonie Fighter playlist here
  • Learning something new
  • Watching scary movies
    • Insidious
    • The Conjuring
    • The Exorcism of Emily Rose
    • It Follows
    • Army of Darkness (it’s B-movie scary & hilarious)
    • The Omen (the original)
    • Paranormal Activity
    • The Woman in Black
    • The Faculty
    • Shaun of the Dead (again, funny)
    • Invasion of the Body Snatchers (original)
    • Event Horizon
  • Watching funny shows
    • Bob’s Burgers
    • The Office
    • Ash vs Evil Dead
    • Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
    • Archer
  • Read (I lean towards non-fiction, so the fiction ones are marked with F)
    • The Demonologist: The Extraordinary Career of Ed and Lorraine Warren
    • Bossypants
    • Rebel Buddha
    • The Pain Survival Guide
    • When Doctors Don’t Listen
    • Southern Lady, Yankee Spy: the true story of Elizabeth Van Lew, a Union agent in the heart of the Confederacy
    • The Somnambulist (F)
    • The Atlantis code (F)
    • The President is a Sick Man: wherein the supposedly virtuous Grover Cleveland survives a secret surgery at sea and vilifies the courageous newspaperman who dared expose the truth
    • Alif The Unseen (F)
    • The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: for all of us who live with disabilities, chronic pain, and illness
    • The Monster of Florence
  • Playing video games
    • Star Wars Battlefront
    • Among the Sleep
    • LEGO Jurassic World
    • LEGO Batman
    • LEGO Harry Potter
    • LEGO Star Wars
    • The Last of Us
    • Alice: Madness Returns
    • Heavy Rain
  • Puzzles and crosswords
  • Paint or color
  • Clean your to-do list up
  • Unfriend/unfollow people you don’t like or who bring you stress
What are some things you do or some ideas you have about self-care now?

 

Get Freaky Friday: Link Roundup

Posted on by Grayson

Sex has long been a taboo topic to really discuss in the United States. I’ve been talking about this disparity between how the United States and other countries address sex & sexuality since I was in high school… so over a decade.

Gross.

The younger generation of Americans is ready to discuss sex. We’re ready to talk masturbation and females enjoying sex – or why they may not enjoy it or have a libido. We’re ready to stop being defined as someone’s partner or ‘extensions of male fantasy‘ and start to be seen as ourselves

We’re ready to make jokes about sex that may seem too real. We need to learn about our bodies and how they react sexually instead of being forced into abstinence-only education that does nothing good for pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection rates. We’re ready to say ‘vaginal atrophy‘ aloud sans giggling at the word vagina. We’re ready to question why there are ads to fulfill those male fantasies but not to truly help women.

Speaking of interactions with others… There are a lot of ways that chronic illnesses can affect our relationships and intimacy, but fatigue is a huge sticking point. If you’re together when that illness hits, it can be quite hard to keep things together throughout the changes. This means that some of us live in a relationship without sex. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that unless each person isn’t on the same page – and that can change.

Sometimes it’s more our depression and ways of coping that affect our relationships more than our primary illnesses.

Ther are many things that can affect our relationship dynamic like the need to discuss our illnesses. How much do we share? Are we complaining to or burdening our loved ones?

Therapists are great to utilize, whether together or alone. Sometimes marriage or couple’s therapy is a great way to visit these issues in a safe place.

Also, sex toys can really help. If you’re interested in exploring some of the bestselling sex toys, check out this collection of reviews.

Don’t forget to join us for #chronicsex chats over on Twitter every Thursday from 7-9 pm Eastern Time!