Therapeutic Thursdays: music as therapy

Posted on by Grayson

Music plays a huge role in my life.

When I was very little, I loved our piano. I sang non-stop until I was snapped at so badly by several adults that I stopped singing and became very self-conscious about it, as did my sister. I taught myself to play the piano and immersed myself in that instead, singing quietly.

Music has always been an escape for me, even now. I loved throwing on my headphones and dancing or brooding, depending on my age. As I’ve gotten older, teaching myself to play the ukulele has been one of the best things I’ve ever done. I love to play around with songs you don’t normally associate with the uke, like Nirvana, Foo Fighters, and hip-hop. (wanna check out some of my music? vids are here and music is here)

Growing to where I am okay with others hearing me sing or even play music has taken a long time. I used to not sing in front of T even, and that’s only changed in the last 2 years. Last year I even played in front of complete strangers! It was scary, but also very worth it. I’ve already got a concert set up for this year!

My journey with music has been very healing. Getting the confidence to play in front of people was scary, but it also pales in comparison to some of the other things I did last year.

I’ve made a few playlists on Spotify that I LOVE. The biggest though is my Spoonie Fighter playlist (also the reading music to the right of this post!). It not only has songs to match the moods we may go through, but also has uplifting songs to try to get us moving or to cheer us up.

I also have a playlist I’ve lovingly named ‘Bad Bitch‘ because it makes me feel empowered. It’s my feminist bad ass playlist – the one I listen to on my way to appointments, to work, and to big meetings. In short, it’s 75% Beyonce and Nicki Minaj because they’re both amazing feminist icons. It also helps me get my white girl rapping on.

I actually made this! Artsy me!

I also enjoy watching some of my favorite artists cover other songs.

What are some of your favorite songs? Do you have a playlist to pump you up on a bad day?

Wacky Wednesdays: fandoms & chronic illness

Posted on by Grayson
Fandoms can play a huge role in how we approach our lives. They can give us motivation or the will to push through the hard times, commiseration and consolation, or help us celebrate and laugh. They are also wonderful for figuring out how to express ourselves in unspoken or unrevealing ways to the right people.
Even if you don’t know what a fandom is, you’re likely a part of more than one yourself. Are you a Trekkie who named your son after your favorite captain? Would you enjoy a visit to the danger zone? Are you always ready to run in case you encounter a mysterious person with a blue phone box? Is part of you still waiting for your acceptance letter to Hogwarts? Would your dream job be working at the Ministry of Silly Walks?

No matter the fandoms you’re a part of, you no doubt agree that they can influence our lives from the type of clothing we wear to our kitchen gadgets and bumper stickers to how we act towards other beings.

When I’m not feeling well, I reach for shows and movies (and music, but that’s for a different day!) that I know will cheer me up or guide me through things. With Netflix, DVRs, Hulu, and other technology, we can so readily have these wonderful films and shows at our fingertips.

For much of my life, I’ve identified with Batman.

I believe that a lot of that stems from feelings of abandonment and neglect. I’m not an orphan, but growing up it sure was easy to feel that way. Batman uses his anger and his frustration for good instead of taking the easy way out and harming others for the hell of it. He struggled with his inner demons, his emotions, and his grief.

As I grew older and time passed, I became very interested in the Harry Potter series. I’m sure that it has to do with the same reasoning.

I was praised as a child for being smart, but then picked on for being naive. There were many similar experiences – and that’s just at home. When I went back to school, it got even worse. Harry’s story, not dissimilar to Batman’s, finds an abused child with some issues saving his friends and protecting others. Not only is he able to make friends, which was a comfort to me reading the fourth book the summer before returning to school, but he’s able to stand up to institutionalized norms that don’t make sense or refuse to deal with reality. Honestly that helps to fuel some of my patient advocacy work.

Harry’s family situation continues to comfort me. There are two terms that I’ve used in the past to describe my family issues – family of origin (FOO) and family of choice (FOC). Harry’s FOO would be the Durleys just as mine wasn’t the best. There was a long time where, like Harry, I did most of the things around the house from laundry to cooking to cleaning at a very young age. You get no say in your FOO, and that can be really hard. Your FOC on the other hand is all based on choice. It can definitely include people in your FOO – I like to imagine Harry reconnected with his cousin after the final battle in the book. My sister would be that person for me. My FOC includes so many amazing people (and many of YOU!). It wasn’t until really going through the HP films after they’d all come out that I really understood those terms.

HP got me through a lot of hard times. I knew that I could make it because he did. I won’t pretend like I can save the world as he does, but I know that I can make an impact. I also know that the impact I have will be greater with my loved ones around me to help. HP encourages me to keep going, to keep pushing, even if I don’t feel like it. To make that reminder even more permanent, I got a tattoo referencing the stars from the pages of the HP books. They help serve as a reminder of the tough things that HP and I both went through – that things really did happen. They also help me remember that I’m writing the pages of my book right now. In May of last year, I finished a hard chapter and turned the page.

I could write about Doctor Who, but I just don’t have the words. There is so much out there on DW and philosophy and I feel ill prepared to tackle that at the moment.

Being chronically ill can be so isolating. We often feel like we don’t participate well in ‘real’ life because we aren’t as healthy in body or mind which puts certain limitations on us. I don’t have much of a social life where I live because I’m often low on spoons and/or just ready to go home and not deal with other people at the end of my work day. Sometimes it’s because I get sick so easily that I worry about going places at the height of flu/cold/etc seasons.

One of the nice things about fandoms is that no one judges you for spending a whole weekend binge watching episodes of shows on Netflix while hanging out in your PJs, eating Ben & Jerry’s or other horribly unhealthy comfort food, and not getting much sleep.

No one judges you for devouring a book and ignoring ‘real’ life because that book was too good to put down. No one judges you for playing zombie video games from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to sleep.

Most importantly, there are no requirements to fandoms. You can like Orphan Black even if you’re not a clone. You can enjoy traveling the ‘verse with Mal and the Firefly gang without having an orange hat. You can even find joy in leaping with Spiderman from building to building or fighting baddies with Batman despite the fact that you can’t walk.

There *is* a problem with representation though. Disabled people in fandoms generally are the ones in a victim role or have magically overcome their disability in a way to be a hero.

It’s not representative of real life. You could argue that it doesn’t always need to be, especially as fandoms are often very out there, but some more accurate representation would be nice.

I asked my friend Felix Quinn to write a piece on fandoms as well:

Fandoms as a whole can be a therapeutic thing for people who feel isolated and trapped by their illnesses. For me, they have given me a platform to speak without being cut off due to someone believing I didn’t have it in me to connect dots, etc. My favorite fandoms to participate in are In The Flesh and Steven Universe. But to keep this short, I’ll stick to talking about ITF.

The “In The Flesh” fandom is extraordinarily open about exchanging ideas that would typically (in the mainstream fandoms) be shot down without a second glance. When a show focuses around characters that have to medicate daily in order to function within their realities, it’s going to draw in a certain group. And that group has be amazingly comforting, accepting that we all view this one small piece of media in a different way. And all these conglomerations are right. There is no wrong answer with them, and that’s why I’ve enjoyed participating so much. There is no pretentiousness, no “fandom famous” blogs. It is incredibly accessible to all who want to participate.

The ITF fandom has helped me see it is okay to be comfortable with who I am, and how I am. I think, especially with chronic illnesses that tend to get worse instead of better, there are parts of us that feed into the ableistic idea that, naturally, we are monsters. We are flawed. And for that, we should resign ourselves to a quiet life where our interactions with others are kept to a minimum. To view a piece of media that tells us otherwise about anyone who dares to venture from societies view of “acceptable”, brings people together who feel quite the same. I am very thankful for the small fandom and the beautifully diverse and sometimes complicated conversations that take place. I am thankful, even if I am quiet now and again.

Terminology Tuesday: DMARDs (and a warning about antibiotics and C. diff)

Posted on by Grayson

DMARD stands for Disease Modifying Anti-Rheumatic Drugs. These drugs help to slow the effects of rheumatic diseases and are often the first lines of defense against further joint damage, especially in adults.

DMARDs include drugs like methotrexate, plaquenil, minocycline, arava, sulfasalazine, imuran, cyclosporine, xeljanz, and the biologics (Enbrel, Humira, Cimzia, Kineret, Orencia, Rituxan, Remicade, and Simponi).

These are likely drugs that you’re used to hearing about. For children diagnosed with juvenile arthritis, they often try to stick with an NSAID first (check out next week for more information on that term). Steroids can also be used, but should be used more in the short term to limit side effects.

Someone with a rheumatic disease can end up on a combination of several of these medications, all of which impact your immune system. Steroids even do that!

Many of these drugs are used for other diseases as well, from autoinflammatory/autoimmune to cancer to more.

Rituxan, Remicade, and methotrexate are all used as treatments for some types of cancer in higher doses than a rheumatic patient would receive. Minocycline is an antibiotic, but has been used to fight RA and related diseases. Treatment with antibiotics doesn’t work for all and there can be serious risks in that treatment, including C. diff which is horribly painful in addition to easily transmittable and potentially fatal.

I had C. diff in July of 2012. I let it go for nearly two weeks before doing anything because I thought I was just sick to my stomach or had food poisoning. The process to diagnosis involved collecting my own ‘output’ and taking it to the clinic.

So gross.

Honestly, with how long I let it go, I’m lucky that I didn’t end up in the hospital – and that I didn’t give it to my pregnant-at-the-time sister!

Moral of the story? Don’t take antibiotics unless you have to.

Maddened Monday: Unikitty, Lego, and Anger

Posted on by Grayson

Have you seen The Lego Movie? Because you really really should for many reasons.

My favorite character in the whole movie is Unikitty. She’s a unicorn kitty.

She’s also like literally me as a Lego. If you have time for a video, check out one here with her best moments, some of which are in gif form below.

She’s generally very happy, but has a wee bit of an anger problem. That also, in the end, turns out to be a great thing because she’s able to save her friends thanks to going on a rampage.
Another nice thing is that I’ve also learned that some anger can be healthy and even protect us from events or people:

Put another way, anger is to be respected and heard. It shows us where our boundaries are, and when they have been crossed. It acts as a guide, letting us know when we’ve taken a wrong turn in life, or need to try a different path. Anger is a compass, pointing us in the next right direction.

All that said, I try to not be angry. It bothers me to have more negative emotions like that because they often take a toll on my physical well-being too. A large part of that is because I hold things back instead of expressing emotions because it isn’t always polite or proper – or because I’m worried what I will do with that anger if I try to express it. Physically, I generally end up hurting myself if I work out angry because I ignore my body’s warning signs and don’t stop when I should.
I think I’m also very fearful of turning into any of the adults I grew up with because they all were far too expressive of their anger, physically and verbally. I don’t want to turn into that, so I hold everything inside. Because I don’t express my feelings readily, I end up in denial about a lot of things. I’ve always felt that the denial balances out the potential to turn evil. I try to tell myself that anyway.
All of this is a huge part of why I meditate. I really honestly need to meditate more than I do right now, because I’m falling behind. Thich Nhat Hanh has a great quote about mindfulness and anger here:

Mindfulness does not fight anger or despair. Mindfulness is there in order to recognize. To be mindful of something is to recognize that something is there in the present moment. Mindfulness is the capacity of being aware of what is going on in the present moment. “Breathing in, I know that anger has manifested in me; breathing out, I smile towards my anger.” This is not an act of suppression or of fighting. It is an act of recognizing. Once we recognize our anger, we embrace it with a lot of awareness, a lot of tenderness.

He goes on to say that we should approach these negative emotions like an older sibling would an angry younger sibling. You let that little one experience those emotions without trying to downplay or stifle them, then you help him or her to rebuild.
All of this is honestly a huge part of my fight for self-care and self-love. If I loved enough and thought highly enough of myself to practice more compassion towards myself, I could be able to process my feelings more easily – especially the negative ones like anger.
I’m getting there, but hey I’m a work in progress.
So why am I talking about all this?
I had a moment last night where I learned and remembered more information on the things my mother has done to abuse others, from neglecting to get them care to flat out hurting them and not understanding when she’s not received as warmly afterwards.

It was really bad. I was shaking with anger, but then got creepy-calm angry. I’m not sure which was worse, but both bothered me immensely. I was too sleepy to think too irrationally thank goodness, because my awake self would’ve wanted to go to my mother and chew her out. There are things as a parent that you don’t share with your children or expose them to or withhold from them. What I learned last night violated all three of those things and more.

I had literally the same reaction as Unikitty does here. I’m obviously still upset about it this morning.
I refuse to break my no contact with my mother. I know it’ll do no good, and that it’ll just stir up more depression and anxiety on my part. My therapist and the amazing friends I have in my life all agree. I feel upset that there will never be justice though. My mother will never have to pay for the abuse she doled out, nor will her mother or grandfather. None of them will get a trial or face a night in jail. They’ll never face charges for the sexual abuse that they learned about and did nothing to help with, save in some cases removing the abuser (oh hey, fyi, carrying on an intimate relationship with the abuser after that nullifies the removal).
Meanwhile, my sister and I are left with the remnants of lives, trying to pick up the pieces and figure out how to be real people. It’s always been her and me against the world. I’m grateful that we have some amazing friends who are now a part of our real family now, giving us help, guidance, and validation when needed. I’m even more thankful that we have great partners in our lives to help both of us work through all of this.
There are people who obviously aren’t happy about this situation – about how open I’m being with the things I endured growing up. There are people who think these things are best reserved for closed door conversations if they’re talked about at all – you know, family secrets. I believe in being open with this situation just as I have with my disease, because I know that it will help someone. If I can make it so that someone doesn’t feel as alone and as tortured about their family life as I have, then it’ll be worth it.

Self-Care Sundays: positive doodles

Posted on by Grayson
I love love love Positive Doodles. Em is super talented, and I always find myself smiling whenever I stumble across her art. Her art, if you couldn’t tell from her blog title, is all about positivity and encouragement. Honestly, it’s a huge part of why I’ve improved as much as I have. T bought her calendar and we have it up in the hallway to our bathroom & bedroom, so I pass by it several times a day. It always makes me happy and makes me think I’m doing well, even when times are hard.
Why? See for yourself.

 

 

 

One of the things I love is that she does a lot of illness-related ones:

And I’ve always hated taking naps because it felt so unproductive, until recently. How can you argue with a cute fox?

 

 

These doodles have also helped me in dealing with my family issues. I’ve had some people say that it isn’t okay to cut off family, no matter how poorly they make you feel…

 

 

The guinea pig one just makes me happy, and reminds me that I’m not a bad writer. I just don’t always focus on my writing in the way that I should.
Today I want you to check out Em’s blog and check out her doodles. Which ones are your favorite?

Therapeutic Thursdays: PTSD & me

Posted on by Grayson

On Tuesday, my therapist and I decided to step up my appointments from every other week to every week because I have a new diagnosis: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

The biggest factor is of course the home in which I was raised. I witnessed, was exposed to, and endured some very difficult things. Some of the things I shared with the therapist this week were things that no one has details on. It felt good to get those things out, for someone else to share that burden.

For most people, finding out they have a mental illness that affects 1 in 3 troops returning from the field might be too much. I mean, how can my childhood compare to war?

It’s true that PTSD doesn’t just affect those who’ve been in war or similar combat, and I know that, but still. I downplay so much of what I’m dealing with in my every day life. I use this blog and my social media to express myself in ways I’ve found very hard to do so in person. Part of that is my mental illness issues and part of that has to do with boundaries and lack of social interactions during key ages.

In reading more about PTSD, a lot of things in my life started to make more sense – my hypervigilance, trust issues, sleep issues, detachment, random flashbacks… Even the issues I’ve had with anger, expressing anger, and dealing with confrontation.

It’s not necessarily that I don’t want to remember these events, but there is a time and a place for working through them. My body waking me up at 3AM because I’ve had a flashback in a dream isn’t it. Other not-its? Driving, intimate moments with my husband, watching a movie, cooking, in line at the grocery store, in a big meeting for my job, etc.

I’m grateful for this label. I’m grateful that this is legitimate. I’m grateful that the impact of all these events has not been in my head. I’m grateful that my feelings are being validated, even though that isn’t absolutely needed… I know that, at times, I’ve needed that reassurance. I’m so used to gaslighting that I question myself on too many things.

Most of all, I’m grateful that myself and my loved ones are safe, that we’re not in the position we used to be.

Right now, I’m ready to face what I’ve gone through. There will be times when I want to quit and times where I need to go more slowly. I know that nothing ever changes overnight and that anything worth doing isn’t easy. The most important thing is that I know that it’s worth it – that my relationships, my career, my family, my very own self are all worth the fight.

Terminology Tuesday: Idiopathic

Posted on by Grayson

We’ll start this new series on terminology off with an easy term to define – idiopathic.

Juvenile idiopathic arthritis used to be known (and is still often referred to) as juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. However, this led to many people simply asserting that JA was a childhood version of RA, with basically the same symptoms, complications, and issues.

This isn’t true.

Renaming JRA as JIA both removes the stigma associated with ‘rheumatoid’ and helps to label the disease as one with an unknown origin.

Simply put, idiopathic means that no one knows what causes it.

I never thought to look up the meaning of idiopathic until one day while watching House, MD, when I heard this lovely conversation:

Dr. Allison Cameron: [giving differential diagnosis] Idiopathic T-cell deficiency?
Dr. Gregory House: “Idiopathic”, from the Latin, meaning we’re idiots ’cause we can’t figure out what’s causing it.

The next time someone asks you what ‘idiopathic’ means, just whip out that House quote. It’s the perfect definition.

Self-Care Sunday: when being sick is actually great

Posted on by Grayson

I was really sick this last week. For the first time in a long time, that was the only thing bugging me!

Around the 5th, I started getting a cold… or so I thought. By that Saturday, I was feeling pretty rotten and had started coughing up some sputum along with wheezing. I did have one cough that made me take a step back and say “Hmm, last time I had that kind of cough was when I had bronchitis.”

Maybe should’ve listened to that little voice instead of shaking it off.

On Mondays I’m in my office alone, so I went even though I was feeling pretty rotten. I hacked away all day and tried to eat something spicy for lunch to see if I could drain all the congestion out. Later in the day I called my primary care doc to try to get an appointment, which they couldn’t do until Wednesday morning. The nurse was going to talk with the doc and call me back, but she had to settle for a message in our EMR system and the doc didn’t respond until after the nurse had left. Their concern was that my childhood asthma had popped back up… I have no doubt that my asthma is still around because I do have a terrible mucus problem, which can be a sign of asthma… and it’s actually kind of serious. Good thing I’m working with some docs on asthma training or I’d never have known!

Cue another frustration about growing up sans medical care and in a bad situation.

I get a call back from this nurse Tuesday morning who explains it’s likely that my cold has kicked up my asthma, but that I should head to urgent care to make sure it’s nothing more serious as they didn’t have any appointments available. After an hour of watching my new passion, Golden Girls, I donned my Batman underoos and headed over to urgent care.

I proceeded to wait for about an hour before getting an exam room, where I waited another 20-25 minutes. The doc took a listen to my chest and I was grateful for once that I was wheezing! He said that while there might be asthma at play, I definitely had bronchitis.

Cue the nebulizer!

I had to run around after I got out of UC to pick up my z-pack, coughing pills, and inhaler… and a few goodies since I wasn’t allowed to go to work until Thursday. I got home a little after 1:30, took some pills, and settled in for a self-snuggle.
Wednesday was a great self-care day. I allowed myself to do many things on this great list, from staying clear from my laptop to eliminating shoulds to enjoying guilty pleasures. It’d been forever since I rented something from Redbox, so I watched Big Hero 6 and Rosewater. Both were great movies, and now I really want Baymax.

I hate being what I call ‘normal people’ sick. Upper respiratory infections are even worse, because I can’t really play with my guinea pigs. They can die within 24 hours of getting one… which makes for one paranoid piggie momma.

Last night I finally got to play with them again. They were so excited!! I cleaned their cage while daddy piggie learned how hard it is to watch Gus. He has SO much energy.

It really took me being sidelined with bronchitis to get enough rest. It’s funny because I feel like I don’t do very much on a regular basis, but doing nothing helped show me that I was wrong.

I have a challenge for you!

Not everyone has to get scary sick to experience this type of rest. As a part of your self-care, I want you to pick a day where you can easily do very little. Keep track of all the things that you feel like you should be doing, but keep your to-do list very small. Only do small things you can easily accomplish or are that restful. Partake in hobbies you don’t have time for on a normal basis. Take a nap. Watch a trashy show or kids movies. Enjoy your favorite foods. Set aside a day to practice self-care and self-love – and let me know how you feel at the end of it. It’ll be hard, but I believe in you!

 

Therapeutic Thursdays: Setting boundaries

Posted on by Grayson

A couple of days ago, I mentioned that one of the things I want to work on in therapy is creating boundaries. Some of those are just boundaries for my own protection or energy issues. Some are to prevent oversharing, something that happened a lot in my life growing up. Some are there for other reasons. My next therapy appointment is next week, but, in the meantime, I thought that I would get started looking at some ways to create better boundaries.

To start looking at forming boundaries in relationships, you have to really know yourself and what you want out of life – and then how relationships you have will fit into that. It requires that you be really in tune with your body, mind, and emotions. I still have some groundwork to get to that point, but I’m much farther than I was last year at this time.

Of course, one of the benefits of this is that you should be noticing who drains you and in what capacity. From there, you have to decide how much interaction you want with these people and what the consequences of what’s going on will be. You also have to stick to your guns. I’ve already kind of hit that area in my life which is very nice. There is so much less drama in my life now that I’ve kind of removed those people from it.

You have to figure out what limits you’ll have on your positive relationships as well. You have to allow yourself to experience your emotions because keeping in touch with those is how your relationships are going to flourish. You have to focus on self-care and acknowledge what makes you uncomfortable and discuss it.

Probably the hardest part for me will be being more direct about what I want or need and being assertive if that doesn’t happen. I hate to feel like I’m inconveniencing someone or interrupting their daily life.

Obviously, the key to all of this will be to start small and go slowly.

I talked a few days ago about how I was working on being a better friend, on being there and more available. That’s definitely a part of all this, as is really connecting with my sister in a more sisterly way instead of a motherly way. It’s been really nice to talk with her more in a supportive and loving role, being silly with each other. We definitely haven’t gotten to do that enough.

Another big step with this will be to define and really start to establish more of the relationship with my dad and his family. Similarly to what I’ve been doing with my sister and my friends, we’re going to look at setting up regular calls or Skype dates (thanks Katy for the awesome idea!!). I also want to look at the next times we can visit with each other in the upcoming year. At the very least, maybe we can play Cards Against Humanity online. They’re amazing at that game!

This alone is going to take a lot of work. I’m anxious about how things will go to start off. I obviously don’t want anything to get too weird or awkward for anyone, but I need my family too. I do have to say how awesome my step-mom is. She has been so helpful with me processing my own emotions, with understanding where others are coming from, and with validating my frustrations with things. They didn’t need to be validated, but it’s a whole different ballgame when they are.

I’m excited to get started working on this. I think it’ll really make a difference with my anxiety issues and with my self-esteem. I’m also ready to just finish processing these emotions and memories because it holds me back a little bit. It’ll help lower the triggers I deal with and help me to be more okay with just existing and not necessarily changing the world. I love the work I do for advocacy, but sometimes it gets overwhelming and I need to be more okay with taking breaks.

Bring on St. Patrick’s Day!

Meditation Mondays: Benefits & Getting Started

Posted on by Grayson

I’ve talked a bit on and off since I began writing several years ago about how meditation has helped me in my life. One of the biggest benefits I’ve received is better pain management. Is the pain still there? Definitely, but I find I can be more in tune with my body and acknowledge the discomfort instead of just feeling the pain.

I’m not the only one who has received these or other benefits.

One of the things I’ve noticed is how much easier it is for me to handle stress. Meditation has also allowed me to process some of my more difficult thoughts.

There is a misconception out there that you have to be a Buddhist to meditate. This is so wrong! While Buddhism created what we refer to today as meditation, most religions and philosophies around the world utilize some form of meditation. Buddhism is much more of a philosophy than always being a religion. It is compatible with so many belief systems. One of the coolest professors I had in college practices Zen Buddhism along with her Catholicism and has even written a book about the subject. I highly suggest you check it out!

Meditation is hard when you first start out. Our minds are so busy and it can be hard to silence all the little thoughts and ideas that pop up. It takes a while to get where you can acknowledge those thoughts and let them pass. Even then, there are still times where it can be hard to deal with those thoughts. A session of meditation is never perfect, but neither are we.

The easiest way to deal with the thought issue is actually also the easiest way to get started meditating – using guided meditation.

Guided meditation is exactly what it sounds like – someone talks you through what you should be focusing on. Not every session has a real focus though – sometimes it’s just to go through how your day was and check in with your emotions.

Two great sources for guided meditations are Blessing Manifesting and Buddhify.

Blessing Manifesting is a great website. I’ve talked about it before. Dominee is a great person who encourages everyone to develop self-love/self-care techniques. She provides ways to do that as well as a safe space to talk spirituality or anything else you’d like. I found her website shortly before Christmas and I really enjoy the things she puts out there.

I’ve also talked about Buddhify before. It’s a great guided meditation app you can get for your iPhone or Android device. They have short meditations to ones last half an hour on a ton of different subjects from pain and illness to sleep to dealing with difficult emotions. Several other spoonies have now started using this app and love it just as much as I do. You can meditate using just a timer as well once you feel comfortable with guided meditation and want to move on to solo.

I certainly encourage you to check out these or other resources for guided meditation. It honestly is the easiest way to start. There are plenty of tips and tricks out there to help you get started all over the internet.

Life with chronic illness can suck big time. We spend so much time wrapped up in our bodies, often ignoring what our mind is dealing with. There is also so much ableism out there, both external and internalized, that we begin to feel like we’re not worth the time or effort to care for. This spills over into our relationships with friends, intimacy with our partners, and our perception of how much we can achieve. That feeling of worthlessness can turn into a vicious cycle and run our lives.

I think there is a way we can use our illnesses to get more in touch with ourselves, mind, body, and soul. For some, diving into volunteer work helps. For others, being physically active does the trick. For me right now, meditation is where it’s at. I invite you to try it and see if it would be a good fit in your life.